Trailer of the Hour: Fantastic Four (or, Why Are There Black People in My Movies?)

Somewhere deep in the Internet, a troll found the Fantastic Four trailer. These are his thoughts…

Oh, look, there’s a trailer for the new Fantastic Four movie. Let’s watch.

Fascinating. If there’s anything the genre of superhero movies needs after Christopher Nolan, it’s more grit. I’m all in on this darkness. I’m also all in on all these actors: Miles Teller as Reed Richards, Kate Mara as Sue Storm, Michael B.-

Hold up. Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm? That can’t be right. Let me check again.

Yep, that’s Michael B. Jordan as Johnny Storm. Michael B. Jordan as the white Johnny Storm. The very black Michael B. Jordan as the very white Johnny Storm. The dark-haired, dark-eyed, all-African-American Michael B. Jordan as the blonde, blue-eyed, all-American Johnny Storm.

This can’t be right. This is a travesty of the highest order (THE HIGHEST ORDER), and it can’t stand. Our country’s heroes would never stand for this. George Washington would never stand for this. Thomas Jefferson would never stand for this. Jack Bauer would never stand for this. Spider-Man would never stand for this. Spider-Man might stand for half black, but Michael B. Jordan black is one half black too far.

Look, I’m not racist or anything, but do we have to make everything black now? Haven’t we given y’all enough? Isn’t it enough that the president is black?

We even gave Selma a couple Oscar nominations. It may have deserved more, but we did let 12 Years a Slave win last year. And Selma is nominated for the ultra-competitive Best Song award. When is enough enough?

What if we made Martin Luther King white in the next MLK movie? How would y’all feel then?*

All I ask for is a little fairness, a little justice, a little equality. Is that too much to ask?

*This is a real thing that people I know have said. America!

P.S. Please don’t comment on this calling me a racist. It’s satire. It may be poor satire, but it’s satire.

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