I have an apology to make, in several parts, from the deepest reaches of my heart. I hope you’ll hear me out and forgive me for my sins.
First, I want to apologize for enjoying La La Land. I am sorry that I liked it. I saw the raves and foolishly thought that I was supposed to like it, when I should have known that a backlash would soon follow. I never should have allowed myself to have emotions, and if I was going to have emotions, I definitely shouldn’t have let a musical about love and dreaming stir them up. Musicals are only worth praising when they are dour and cynical- I know this. Inspiring musical numbers, epic dance scenes, a moving score…I will never again allow these things to work their way into my heart.
And how could I have let people like Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone convince me their performances were among the best of the year? Everyone knows being a charismatic, likeable movie star is the easiest thing to do in the world- that’s why there are so many movie stars right now. I embraced them, it was wrong, and I’ve learned from my mistakes.
Secondly, I want to apologize for wasting my attention on a movie that stars only white people. There are a lot of people of color populating the movie in supporting roles and as extras, but I forgot that they don’t matter. I allowed myself to be tricked into thinking that a movie with white stars and a diverse supporting cast could also contribute to the progressive cause. What was I thinking?
I’ve broken the cardinal rule of awards season, which (as you well know) is that you can only love one movie and one movie only. I’ve used up all my love on La La Land, and now have no love to give movies like Moonlight or Hidden Figures. When I watch those movies, I’ll have to suppress my appreciation for their diverse casts and storylines, because I decided to like the movie with white people instead. Oh that the awards season rules were different! But I’m a rule follower, so it’s too late for me.
Thirdly, I want to apologize for even writing about La La Land at all. I can’t believe I spent almost an hour focusing my attention on a mainstream blockbuster when there are indie movies that nobody is talking about out there, because those are the only movies worth talking about. I need to remember (I’m always forgetting, always) that art isn’t worth talking about unless it is completed rejected by the populace.
And gee, I should have realized that La La Land wouldn’t merit attention, since it’s the most unoriginal thing in theaters right now. You’d think I’d be tired of movie musicals written directly for the screen featuring absurdist dance numbers and original music, since Enchanted was released just 10 years ago. If Hollywood produces another one in 2027, you can bet I’ll be sure to ignore the hell out of it.
In conclusion, I’m sorry I thought La La Land was the best movie I’ve seen from 2016 so far. In the future, I will be sure to keep my emotions in check, to only watch movies that aren’t about white people, and to only watch movies made for less than $1,000. I want to do right by you, my loyal reader, so I will make every effort to like only the movies that please everyone. Please forgive me.