If I Ran the Grammys 2015

Last year, I ran the first of what will hopefully be an annual feature about what the Grammy Awards would look like if I ran them. All systems are broken, but this year it’s more evident than ever that the Grammy system is a knot with no chance of being untangled anytime soon. We know this, because there’s only one worthy Album of the Year candidate (last year saw at least three- okay, at most three), and because there’s a legitimate chance Sam Smith might sweep the four major awards. This would be awful. I’m holding out hope that the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences has come to their senses, so you’ll see below that I’ve bet against him in every category. Seriously, Academy- for the sake of all our brains overloaded with thinkpieces about race, do not give Sam Smith all the awards. Please.

A few ground rules:

1) I’ll give the real nominees with my prediction for the winner in bold. Then I’ll give you who I would have nominated with my choice for the best in the group in bold.

2) We all know the October 1st, 2013-September 30th, 2014 qualifying dates are stupid, but we’re going to keep them in the interest of chaos. So no 1989, but Reflektor (from 2013, but released after October 1st, 2013) is fair game.

3) For the four major awards (Album, Record, Song, New Artist), I’m realistic. The War on Drugs made my favorite album in the qualifying year, but they would never be nominated for Album of the Year. Lana Del Rey’s album isn’t even my favorite pop album of the year, but it’s the likeliest of that group to be nominated for Album of the Year. You get the idea. But when it comes to the genre awards, anything goes- hence, bands like Slow Club, Twin Peaks, and Kye Kye getting nods over more popular bands in their respective categories..

4) Genre boundaries are fuzzy- Beyoncé could really fit into pop or R&B, Arcade Fire could fit into rock or alternative, Drive-By Truckers could be rock or Americana, etc. So I went with my gut. I don’t have your gut, so if you disagree with me on whether or not Lecrae belongs in the rap or Christian category, sorry.

Album of the Year

Real nominees: Morning Phase, Beck
Beyoncé, Beyoncé
X, Ed Sheeran
In the Lonely Hour, Sam Smith
Girl, Pharrell Williams

My nominees: Reflektor, Arcade Fire
Beyoncé, Beyoncé
Turn Blue, The Black Keys
Ultraviolence, Lana Del Rey
Platinum, Miranda Lambert

If anyone but Beyoncé wins, the Grammys will have returned to their stupid ways. Daft Punk last year was fine; even if you liked Kendrick Lamar’s album better, it was hard to argue against Random Access Memories as a quality choice. But there is nothing else in this category that even comes close to being a worthy Album of the Year. And that’s not for lack of quality albums either! Why not Arcade Fire’s bold Reflektor, or The Black Keys’ solid Turn Blue, or Lana Del Rey’s legitimately and surprisingly great Ultraviolence? Are we really convince that Beck’s Morning Phase was anything but a rehash of Sea Change? And the other three nominees seem like votes for mediocrity and the status quo rather than quality. It’s a shame Miranda Lambert, who is a bona fide star, couldn’t get some love over Ed Sheeran, of all people. There’s only one right choice here, and the Academy better make it, or the Internet’s shit is gonna hit the fan.

Record of the Year

Real nominees: “Fancy (feat. Charli XCX)”, Iggy Azalea
“All About That Bass”, Meghan Trainor
“Stay with Me (Darkchild Version)”, Sam Smith
“Chandelier”, Sia
“Shake It Off”, Taylor Swift

My nominees: “Problem (feat. Iggy Azalea)”, Ariana Grande
“Drunk in Love (feat. Jay Z)”, Beyoncé
“Boom Clap”, Charli XCX
“Chandelier”, Sia
“Shake It Off”, Taylor Swift

“Fancy” is nice and all that, but everything Iggy in that song gets on my nerves. Regardless of how I feel, though, it was the biggest song of the year, and the Grammys will likely reward it for its success (though I prefer Charli XCX’s “Boom Clap”). For everything I said about Sam Smith, “Stay with Me” is actually a really great song. Still, if I had to choose, I’d choose the remaining three. And where is “Problem”? There was a point over last summer where we didn’t know whether “Fancy” or “Problem” was the song of the summer, and just because “Fancy” won doesn’t make it the better song. I would’ve liked to have seen some love for “Drunk in Love” too, but “Problem” was the coolest record of the year.

Song of the Year

Real nominees: “Take Me to Church”, Hozier
“All About That Bass”, Meghan Trainor
“Stay with Me (Darkchild Version)”, Sam Smith
“Chandelier”, Sia
“Shake It Off”, Taylor Swift

My nominees: “Afterlife”, Arcade Fire
“Drunk in Love (feat. Jay Z)”, Beyoncé
“West Coast”, Lana Del Rey
“Chandelier”, Sia
“Shake It Off”, Taylor Swift

Song of the Year is a songwriting award, and there wasn’t a better-written song this year than “Chandelier”. I’m not a fan of “Take Me to Church” at all, so I’ll gladly replace it with Arcade Fire’s best song of Reflektor. As much as I love “All About That Bass”, “Drunk in Love” beats it out by a mile. And “Stay with Me” isn’t a well-written song at all (especially considering the Tom Petty controversy); its charm is in its performance. I’d rather include one of the most interesting songs of the year, Lana Del Rey’s “West Coast”.

Best New Artist

Real nominees: Bastille
Brandy Clark
Haim
Iggy Azalea
Sam Smith

My nominees: 5 Seconds of Summer
Charli XCX
Meghan Trainor
Sky Ferreira
Sturgill Simpson

If I’m honest with myself, Sam Smith is probably going to win this award. In an ideal world, either Brandy Clark or especially Haim would get it. But if any award is Sam Smith’s to lose, it’s this one. Even if the Academy realizes in the other categories that Smith isn’t the most deserving, it would be hard for them to ignore him in this one. But I’m kind of leaning toward a full-on Sam Smith fatigue having set in for the industry, so I’ll bet on Azalea’s monster year to push her into the lead. As far as my Grammys go, where are 5 Seconds of Summer, Charli XCX, and Meghan Trainor? Any of them would be better than Bastille, for goodness’ sake. I’d pick Charli XCX over Iggy Azalea even, since “Fancy” is largely successful because of its hook and not because of Iggy’s verses. And, just to make myself happy, I included two stars in the underground, the pop savant Sky Ferreira and the country up-and-comer Sturgill Simpson.

Best Pop Album

Real nominees (Pop Vocal Album): My Everything, Ariana Grande
Ghost Stories, Coldplay
X, Ed Sheeran
Prism, Katy Perry
Bangerz, Miley Cyrus

My nominees: 5 Seconds of Summer, 5 Seconds of Summer
My Everything, Ariana Grande
Ultraviolence, Lana Del Rey
Midnight Memories, One Direction
Night Time, My Time, Sky Ferreira

I promise I don’t have anything against Ed Sheeran or Sam Smith. I just find them bland. That said, Sheeran has the inside track on this category, since he obviously had enough support to secure an Album of the Year nominee. The best album actually nominated, though, is My Everything. The best pop album not nominated was Sky Ferreira’s brilliant Night Time, My Time. Ultraviolence got my vote for one of the more realistic Albums of the Year, so she’s obviously in here as well, taking Coldplay’s more alternative pop slot. And I’d replace Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus with a couple of other hit generators who were more on target: One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer.

Best Rock Album

Real nominees: Morning Phase, Beck
Turn Blue, The Black Keys
Ryan Adams, Ryan Adams
Hypnotic Eye, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Songs of Innocence, U2

My nominees: Transgender Dysphoria Blues, Against Me!
Reflektor, Arcade Fire
Turn Blue, The Black Keys
English Oceans, Drive-By Truckers
Wild Onion, Twin Peaks

Why do people think Beck is good? He hasn’t made an authentic album since Sea Change. Every album since then has been an effort to appease rather than challenge. That wouldn’t be a problem if the attempts were interesting, but he’s always boring. I’d choose any other album on that list over his. But on my personal list, I’d shoehorn Arcade Fire in on this ballot rather than the alternative genre, and give some love to some of the more underrated artists of the year: Against Me!’s brash punk, Drive-By Truckers rootsy epic, and Twin Peak’s blast of indie rock.

Best Alternative Album

Real nominees (Alternative Music Album): This Is All Yours, alt-J
Reflektor, Arcade Fire
Melophobia, Cage the Elephant
Lazaretto, Jack White
St. Vincent, St. Vincent

My nominees: Electric Ursa, Joan Shelley
Fantasize, Kye Kye
Sunbathing Animal, Parquet Courts
Are We There, Sharon Van Etten
Lost in the Dream, The War on Drugs

St. Vincent has the edge, since she was the critical darling of the last year on this list. I love Reflektor, but it belongs in the rock category, as does Lazaretto. In what world is Jack White not considered rock? I don’t care about alt-J or Cage the Elephant- they belong in the bland category with Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith. I’m surprised The War on Drugs didn’t make it onto the Grammy’s list, since they received just as much if not more critical attention than St. Vincent. The same goes for Parquet Courts, thought they surely couldn’t care less. I enjoyed the albums by Sharon Van Etten, Joan Shelley, and Kye Kye far more than I liked St. Vincent’s. But that’s just my personal taste.

Best R&B Album

Real nominees: Lift Your Spirit, Aloe Blacc
Islander, Bernhoft
Black Radio 2, Robert Glasper Experiment
Give the People What They Want, Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings
Love, Marriage & Divorce, Toni Braxton & Babyface

My nominees: Beyoncé, Beyoncé
Cupid Deluxe, Blood Orange
Food, Kelis
There’s a Light, Liz Vice
Complete Surrender, Slow Club

Aloe Blacc is probably the only one the Academy has actually heard of on their own list. For my list, this is the category Beyoncé belongs in. She would fit just as well into pop music, but Beyoncé is way more D’Angelo than Katy Perry. Kelis also deserves some love for her sexy album, Food, but it went by this summer without anyone really noticing. Blood Orange and Slow Club received a little more attention in the indie world. And Liz Vice is the outlier of the group, a little-known Christian artist who has nailed how to pull worship R&B off.

Best Rap Album

Real nominees: Because the Internet, Childish Gambino
Nobody’s Smiling, Common
The Marshall Mathers LP2, Eminem
The New Classic, Iggy Azalea
Oxymoron, Schoolboy Q

My nominees: Instruments of Mercy, Beautiful Eulogy
Old, Danny Brown
Anomaly, Lecrae
Crimson Cord, Propaganda
Sinema, Swoope

I don’t like Iggy’s style at all, but there’s no doubting she has all the momentum here, especially in such a down year for mainstream rap. I wish Danny Brown would get some love, but he’s the lone winner in a year full of rap losers. That wasn’t the case in the Christian rap scene though, with Beautiful Eulogy, Lecrae, and Swoope all releasing stellar versions of the genre. None was better than Prop though; he’d never win it in real life, but since I’m running things, Prop’s Crimson Cord would get the love it deserves.

Best Christian Album

Real nominees (Contemporary Christian Music): Run Wild. Live Free. Love Strong., for KING & COUNTRY
If We’re Honest, Francesca Battistelli
Welcome to the New, MercyMe
Hurricane, Natalie Grant
Royal Tailor, Royal Tailor

My nominees: Devotion, Anberlin
Neon Steeple, Crowder
As Sure as the Sun, Ellie Holcomb
Borderland, John Mark McMillan
Rivers in the Wasteland, NEEDTOBREATHE

“Christian” is hardly a genre, but it’s a useful denomination for music that doesn’t really belong anywhere else. You could make the argument that Anberlin, Crowder, and NEEDTOBREATHE all make rock music, but they’re undeniably pigeonholed into the Christian category. Nothing on the Grammy list belongs in the conversation, though Francesca Battistelli probably has the most industry pull. I’d rather listen to Ellie Holcomb’s full-length debut any day. And the most overlooked of all will always be John Mark McMillan, always on the outskirts of even the Christian mainstream, forever going to be ignored by the Academy. He gets my vote though.

Best Americana Album

Real nominees: Terms of My Surrender, John Hiatt
Bluesamericana, Keb’ Mo’
A Dotted Line, Nickel Creek
The River & the Thread, Roseanne Cash
Metamodern Sounds in Country Music, Sturgill Simpson

My nominees: Stay Gold, First Aid Kit
Lateness of Dancers, Hiss Golden Messenger
Small Town Heroes, Hurray for the Riff Raff
Platinum, Miranda Lambert
Metamodern Sounds in Country Music, Sturgill Simpson

Sturgill Simpson’s album was a wonderful breath of fresh air in the country genre. There are plenty of artists like him out there, injecting a stale genre with modern ideas, but he’s received the most attention for it, and deservedly so. But Roseanne Cash is the daughter of Johnny Cash, so she’s going to win. One of those other artists like Simpson is Hurray for the Riff Raff, and her Small Town Heroes was maybe the second most acclaimed album of its kind behind Metamodern Sounds. Hiss Golden Messenger and First Aid Kit both released my favorite folk albums of the past year, but the award should really go to Miranda Lambert. She’s nominated in the Best Country genre, and she’s the best example of mainstream country in years. Literally years. She may lose her real Grammy to Eric Church (another for the bland pile), but she would win my Grammy.

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I’m aware I didn’t include all the nominees for these categories. I blame the layout of the Grammys’ website.

Top 5 Albums You Won’t Find on 2014’s Top Ten Lists

2014 was a pretty terrible year for music. That’s not to say there weren’t great albums; but there were few blockbusters. This is probably the norm for music now, so let’s just embrace it. Of course, that means that under-the-radar gems shine a little less brightly, since what’s on the radar isn’t commanding much attention.

This year critics seemed to love albums by The War on Drugs, Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert, Sharon Van Etten, and, for some strange reason, Beck. Lana Del Rey even received some love. But the following artists have remained forgotten here at the end of the year. I couldn’t find a single top ten list that included any of these. You may be able to, but for the sake of this post’s title, pretend you can’t.

March on Washington, Diamond District: Mainstream rap laid an egg in 2014, both in terms of album sales and social consciousness. All the shit going down around the country surrounding protests against injustice and literally no one spoke out. It was up to former underground titans like Killer Mike and El-P and to current underground up-and-comers Diamond District to carry the torch. The power to catch your attention was in their lyrics to conjure images of corrupt politicians and angry 99-percenters. But the power to keep you hooked rested firmly in their grimy, old-school beats which conjure images of rap’s heyday as the vanguard of social unrest.

English Oceans, Drive-By Truckers: DBT are perennial underdogs, even though they’ve had a long career as a beloved southern rock band. They just can’t seem to break on through to the other side past their loyal fans to the critical mass. Critics are forever underrating their albums, and while DBT hadn’t made a great album for about five years, English Oceans fit right in next to their best. It’s criminal that people didn’t notice. Sometimes longevity is your worst enemy, because people get so used to you that they forget you haven’t had your moment yet.

Electric Ursa, Joan Shelley: The singer-songwriter album of the year belongs to Sharon Van Etten, but Electric Ursa is a close second. On Are We There, Van Etten reached new emotional depths with an expanded palette of production. On Electric Ursa, Shelley kept things simple, not by keeping things acoustic or foregoing distinctive production, but by focusing on spare storytelling. Details were scarce in her hypnotic voice, but what she did reveal was captivating.

Fantasize, Kye Kye: My feelings on mainstream Christian music are well-documented (in short: don’t like it). So when I find a band that’s even mildly interesting, I tend to overreact and hail it as the next great Christian band. Kye Kye wasn’t like that; Fantasize was a legitimately engrossing experience. Swathed in synths and drowning in longing, this album by Kye Kye’s Estonian siblings had a knack for getting under your skin and forcing you to consider the ramifications of your own unfulfilled desires.

Wild Onion, Twin Peaks: In a year that saw ostensible indie band The War on Drugs releasing the album of the year and artists like Spoon and Ryan Adams solidifying their place among rock’s older generation, it’s hard to parse through all the bands and determine what qualifies as “indie rock” or not. I think Twin Peaks qualified. They’re on an independent label, but that hardly matters anymore; it’s more important that no one was talking about Wild Onion. How an album of indie rock that drew on everything that used to define that phrase went unnoticed is beyond me.

Three Underrated Songs

“She Looks So Perfect”, 5 Seconds of Summer: I know “Fancy” and “Problem” were the official songs of the summer, but why did we have to forget about this one? I’m still obsessed with this 5SOS song. The main thing that lifts it above either of those other summer anthems? The lack of any terrible featured rap verses.

“NRG”, Duck Sauce: If you didn’t hear this song in 2014, do yourself a favor: Move your furniture. Carve about three hours out of your day. Play this on a loop. Forget about everything else.

“Hold On”, Lakes: Lakes’ Fire Ahead could have easily been in the above list of underrated albums. But “Hold On” was its best song as well as a song that deserved a wider audience. It’s an old-fashioned story about a self-destructive chorus reminiscent of a Steve Miller Band, complete with the unforgettable chorus.

Best Music of 2014 So Far

Slow year for music so far, huh? And by “slow” I mean “terrible”. Of the albums charting in the Top 10 on Billboard this year, five of them have been worth buying. That’s out of close to a hundred albums. Maybe two of them (Crowder’s Neon Steeple and Miranda Lambert’s Platinum) have been truly great. There have been at least twice as many as that in each of the past four years through about this time. But that doesn’t mean there’s been nothing to celebrate. You just have to dig a little deeper than the charting albums. Here are the five best albums of 2014 so far:

Albums

John Mark McMillan, Borderland: McMillan has always been more than the “How He Loves” guy, but this album is the fullest, most complete manifestation of his brilliant vision so far. His always poetic lyrics are matched by the most inventive worship music of the past few years. It all points to the torn feeling we have between this world and the next, knowing we belong in one and not the other.

Liz Vice, There’s a Light: If McMillan’s Borderland has staked out the thoughtful worship corner of 2014, Vice’s There’s a Light takes the pure joy corner. We’ve heard R&B artists give praise to the Lord before (all the way back to Sam Cooke and the Staple Singers), but it’s been decades since the praise has been this direct and full of life. Vice seems to understand that the finer points of soul music were originally about declaring the wonders of God, and to that end she gives herself over completely.

Miranda Lambert, Platinum: You can have your Kacey Musgraves and your Ashley Monroe. I’ll let you take your Carrie Underwood and your Taylor Swift. I won’t miss them. Give me a Miranda Lambert, someone who, after she’s already in, conquers country music and all its clichés with one album.

Sharon Van Etten, Are We There: Listening to Are We There is like listening to a world being created. Van Etten on this album reminds me of Laura Marling last year on I Was an Eagle, constructing her songs layer by layer until she had gradually built intricate architecture within her songs. Both albums are about broken relationships, but where Marling’s was a slow burn, Are We There is a slow explosion.

The War on Drugs, Lost in the Dream: There’s no better-titled album this year, that’s for sure. Listening to Lost in the Dream’s distorted guitars is like being lost in the best kind of dream, but only if your dreams were totally honest with you about the direction your life is going. Songs like “Under the Pressure” and “In Reverse” couldn’t be more appropriate for someone in my stage of life, just out of college and finding his way in a new job.

Songs

5 Seconds of Summer, “She Looks So Perfect”: Better than candy.

Ariana Grande, “Problem (feat. Iggy Azalea)”: The kind of pop hit Mariah wanted to nail but never could. Yeah, I said it.

Duck Sauce, “NRG”: Better than coffee.

John Mark McMillan, “Future / Past”: A pure declaration in both the music and the words of God’s sovereignty.

tUnE-yArDs, “Water Fountain”: Better than water from water fountains.

Most Anticipated Albums of (the rest of ) 2014

Ariana Grande, My Everything: Her last album was sublime, and “Problem” bodes well for this one.

Hiss Golden Messenger, Lateness of Dancers: My excitement for this album grew when the band re-released their lost 2010 album in January, and early single “Saturday’s Song” is incredible.

The New Pornographers, Brill Bruisers: I haven’t been so hot on their past couple of albums, but if the title track is any indication, the NPs are back to their bruising pop ways.

Robert Plant, lullaby and… The Ceaseless Roar: This is here because he’s dating Patty Griffin, I think, and I’m hoping she shows up on this album.

Ryan Adams, Ryan Adams: Ryan Adams has been better as of late, and I hope he continues the trend.

Song of the Hour: “She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer

Why it rocks: Listen. Boy bands are not an inherently bad thing. Wait- just hear me out. I’m well aware that there is a lot of bad music out there because of the boy band craze of the late ’90s (which of course can be traced back to the ’80s, but I’m not sure the current boy bands have even heard of Wham! or New Kids on the Block). But there’s also a lot of bad music out there because of Nirvana and Pearl Jam. Good music inspires bad copycats. 5 Seconds of Summer– or “She Looks So Perfect”, at the very least- is not a bad copycat. From the moment the bubble-gum guitar riff kicks in, you’re sold. Then he compares his girl’s lipstick stain to the likes of Monet or Michelangelo, and you know there’s no going back. Your favorite song is now a song by a boy band.

Listen if you like…: One Direction‘s Midnight Memories or “That’s What Makes You Beautiful”. You know, the kind of music that everyone assumes is annoying before they’ve listened to it 15 times on repeat.

How’s the album?: Well…that’s where my whole “not a bad copycat” theory falls apart. There’s not really another winner on the She Looks So Perfect EP. But 1 for 4 ain’t bad, right?